b R o K e N
by CraziiJaney
Summary: Tape 10, session 8, 12:47 AM, today is December 4th. This is Dr. Leonhart with subject 29833: Riku Ishida. Subject is experiencing comorbidity of depression and chronic PTSD subsequently the occurrence. Chooses not to use intact vocal skills.
1. TDIN: December 4th

**Author's Note:** Hello all! I was researching about Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder a couple of days ago and for some reason, I thought of Riku and how he was sometimes desplayed as the depressed emotionally hurt character. Soooo, I wanted to write an explainable reason for that. I was up till 12 AM, researching facts online.

Yeah, I'm a nerd like that.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Riku, Leon, anti-depressants, or PTSD. However, I do own a hunk of cheese.

**

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TDIN: 12.4.**

_"Tape 10, session 8, 12:47 AM, today is December 4__th__. This is Dr. Leonhart with subject 29833: Riku Ishida. Subject is experiencing comorbidity of depression and chronic PTSD subsequently the occurrence. Vocal skills are intact; subject chooses not to utilize them."_

-cracklecrackle-

_"Hello Riku, how was your morning?"_

-silence-

_"...Riku, are you still not speaking?"_

-silence-

_"You know, I heard that talking facilitates your treatment. It's your therapy... No? Okay."_

The starlight haired boy shifts in his seat, an empty look in his eyes. He looks downward, never moving his eyes off of the heavily carpeted floor. The clock ticks.

_"Do you remember why you're here?"_

He shifts again; an edgy feeling comes from him. Many minutes pass and the professor involuntarily glances at his watch.

_"I'll let you think..."_

The boy's empty eyes flicker for an ephemeral moment with three volatile emotions, all at once. Yet, he continues not to speak.

Sighing, the professor finishes.

_"Ok, our time for now is over. But I'll see you again tomorrow. Ms. Uchida here will show you to your room."_

A lady helps Riku to his feet and leads him carefully out of the room. He stumbles at times, as if his feet have forgotten how to walk.

-cracklecrackle-

_"Subject is not prone to therapy and still does not speak; shows symptoms of avoidance and dissociation. May require antidepressants, however, situation is problematic for such use."_

-click-

:- - -:

Riku lies in his bed, white sheets with a white mattress. It's been three months and he still can't get any sleep. He turns to his side. But when he does sleep, all he gets are bad bad images. Stuff he doesn't want.

Like crinkly movies, with flashes of black. They remind him of sadness.

But he usually doesn't remember clearly what he's doing or where he is. Typically, the world is a bit blurry, but not today.

Today is a clear day.

Riku doesn't enjoy clear days, they make his eyes hurt. The colors and people are too sharp, too bright.

He didn't like today. Dr. Leonhart was too questioning. Why can't he just let him be quiet? He keeps on asking Riku what happened.

Staying silent helps him stay numb. If he talks...he'll feel it.

It's much easier this way.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Seeing as I was writing this at twelve o'clock at night...or the morning...whatever you call it, I was kind of rushed and sleepy.

Anyway, review please?

Okay okay, I'll get on my knees.

No? My head?

O-okay... WHAT!?

Hell no!

Rub deodorant on your own feet!!

Heeheehee, please review.


	2. TDIN: December 5th

**Author's Note:** I'm so happy! I got 6 reviews in the first 3 hours of the last chapter! Lol, that's a record. Just to clear some things up, Riku is NOT a scientific testing subject or anything like that.

Oh, and FYI, Remeron is an anti-depressant drug...and dissociative amnesia/memory loss is when a person kind of pushes a painful/traumatic memory to the back of their mind. Like, they forget, but it's not completely gone.

**Disclaimer:** I happen to love my hunk of cheese.

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TDIN: 12.5. **

_"Tape 10, session 9, 1:30 PM, today is December 5__th__. Subject shows no signs of minor improvement overnight. Symptoms of insomnia and nightmares persist."_

-crackle-

"_Hello Riku, how was your lunch?"_

-silence-

The boy sits still on the leather couch. The breeze from the window rustles his silver hair. He looks at his hands, never moving his azure eyes.

"..._I'm going to have to ask you some hard questions today. Are you okay with that? If you want to stop at any point, just raise your hand. We'll stop."_

When the mop of silver hair nods, Dr. Leonhart continues, picking his words carefully, hesitantly.

_"Riku...how did you get that bottle of Remeron? You weren't diagnosed with depression back then and... No one you knew had a bottle..."_

Riku recoils from the professor's voice and starts fiddling with the navy blue edge of his t-shirt. He clenches his fist until the whites of his knuckles show...but he doesn't raise his hand.

Seeing his hands, the doctor pauses and continues.

_"Riku, if talking doesn't work for you... can you write?"_

After some time, the boy cautiously nods his head. The doctor smiles and he holds out a fresh notepad with wooden pencils.

Riku holds the pencil nervously and slowly starts writing in big clumsy letters. After five minutes, he hands back the notepad to the waiting doctor.

Dr. Leonhart reads the font and frowns slightly.

There, in clumsy letters, Riku had written, "I HAD REMERON?"

- - -

-cracklecrackle-

_"Subject may be experiencing dissociative memory loss of Remeron episode."_

-click-

- - -

Riku is crying.

He's lying on his bed and softly crying.

And he doesn't know why.

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**Author's Note:** Please review!!! Pwetty pwease...-big shiny watering anime eyes-

Hmm, my chapters are pretty short...


	3. TDIN: January 3rd

**Author's Note:** Hello all! Sorry this took so long to update. I don't write my entire story and then update it bit by bit, I write chapter by chapter.

Well, I hope this little chappy is ok. I think it's moving too fast into the plot, but ok...

**Disclaimer: **I think I'll name my hunk of cheese...Bob Saget.**

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**TDIN: 1.3**

_"Tape 12, session 13, 1:30 PM, today is January 3__rd__. Subject, Riku Ishida, has been communicating through written language. Minor improvement in displaying emotions and insomnia."_

-cracklecrackle-

_"Hello Riku, are you having a nice day?"_

-silence-

_"Okay, Riku, we have to start talking about what happened."_

Riku starts fiddling with his fingers and looks up to Dr. Leonhart. He opens his mouth faintly, and pauses. He then closes his mouth, only to open it once again.

"_Yes?"_

Waiting, the doctor exhales softly.

_"How do you think you got admitted here? It's not because of your PTSD. Come on, try to answer me honestly."_

Riku writes, "I don't know." The doctor takes off his glasses and wipes them off. He returns them to his eyes, flipping away his long russet bangs. He then proceeds to look deeply into Riku's azure eyes.

_"Riku...you overdosed on a bottle of Prozac. We don't know how you got it, but your friend found you on the floor of the bathroom, thankfully, only minutes later. The hospital pumped your stomach. It was then that we diagnosed you with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder."_

Riku's knuckles turn a blinding white. But he nods to continue on.

_"I'm sorry...but you were admitted to this center for a suicide attempt. Do you understand?"_

-ragged breathing-

_"Riku? R-riku? Are you okay? Riku!"_

-cracklecracklecrackle-

_"Subject is experiencing panic attack."_

-click-

- - -

Riku can't breathe.

He's lying on a white white bed, with white white sheets.

But he can't see them.

He can't breathe...

His heart feels like it might burst.

Doctor Leonhart's running by him...strange...is he moving?

_Very sloowwlllyyy_...

Riku feels the sweat running down his face...and something else...

Tears?

He feels his body shaking violently.

A plastic mask is placed over his mouth and suddenly, he can breathe.

But now...he can feel it...

What does he feel?

Something he never wants to feel again.

**Fear. **Fear that he just might lose himself again. Fear for everything.

And something he never wants to remember...ever again.

_Him_.

And the world whirls by and by, never stopping for the little lost boy.

Poor poor Riku.

* * *

**Author's Note:** Poor Riku, I do love picking on him.

Well,it took me about a week to write and upload this. I know, slow aren't I? Usually I'm not, but this week was a WRITER'S BLOCK week.

I hate those.

Now please, review.

In the words of a close friend,

"It's only polite."


	4. TDIN: January 4th

**Author's Note:** Hello all! It's me again. Now, I personally think that this chapter is 'eh, not so good.' Too abrupt. But whatever. It's my story.

**Disclaimer:** "I am not afraid to keep on living. I am not afraid to walk this world alone. Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven. Nothing you can say can stop me going home."

Mmm, my "My Chemical Romance" mood is getting bigger.

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**TDIN: 1.4**

_"Tape 12, Note 8, 1:45 PM, today is January 4__th__. Subject continues to stay in hospital after panic attack. Memory triggering induced panic attack of subject at 2:04 PM on January 3__rd__. Physical symptoms included chest pain, dyspnea, trembling, sweating, vertigo, and combined, resulted in exhaustion. Subject, Riku Ishida, is currently resting and will stay in bed rest for the next five days." _

- - -

Riku lay upon the crisp starched sheets of the hospital bed. Pale pink flowers in a vase made him cough lightly at times and his emaciated wrist with a slim needle jabbed in it lay across his stomach, the hospital gown gently rubbing against it. Shifting to his side, he blankly stared at the ivory couch athwart of him.

The room looked as if it was made for one who would stay for a long period of time. The walls were painted a creamy white and the thin carpeting of the floor was a dull red. A lone kitschy painting of a smiling gnome hung above his head. But the low droning of the fluorescent lights and the traditional sharp scent of disinfectant washed over him in a wave as he continued to endlessly shift about his bed.

Not for the first time in the last week, streams of salty tears dampened the boy's ashen cheeks. But he wasn't crying, not now.

Riku was exhausted.

Not only physically, but tired of...everything; of thoughts, feelings...memories.

He wished that he could just forget; forget everything that happened. The voices. The feeling of...hopelessness. And the memories that bogged him down so deep into the dark depths of misery.

Riku let out a long soundless sigh, his chest rising up and down. Muted whispers reached Riku's ears as he calmly heard voices mutter words and phrases. The voices lilted and went in and out of audibility.

"...can he..."

"...not sure...stable...but..."

"...have to..."

Abruptly, the walnut door swung open with a whining _crrreeeaaak_ and in stepped a pair of brown leather boots, with muffled thumps on the carpeted floor.

"Hi, Riku."

There she was, Kairi. After three months of rehabilitation, he finally saw Kairi once again. The once fiery redhead now looked wilted and downtrodden as she carefully walked in from the door. Wearing dark indigo jeans and a bold scarlet top, her face in comparison looked pallid and faint. But the first thing he noticed was that she walked in with a slight limp.

She noticed Riku staring at her leg and answered his unspoken question.

"The doctors say I'll walk normally again in a month or two."

He nodded, looking back to his hands. She continued.

"Dr. Leonhart told me that you're doing better. You just need to rest..." She trailed off and the redhead bit her coral lips. Riku could see her eyes glimmering with tears.

"He told me to visit you...to...help you revisit what happened. To understand what happened." Her wavering voice cracked and she smiled forcefully. "He told me that you're writing now. Remember that? You used to love to write."

Tears began to run down her cheeks and Kairi muffled her hiccups with her hands.

"...I- I'm sorry...I'm s-sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!" The redhead began to sob, wiping her tears away with her hands.

"I asked you to come! I asked you not to take a taxi! I made you get on that bus!!" She wailed, almost screaming the last sentence. Kairi covered her eyes with her fingers and she strode into Riku's arms.

He opened them and received her, hugging her shaking figure.

"...It's okay."

* * *

**Author's Note:** Well, if that's all

REVIEW! Please?

Has anyone seen The Pianist?

Best movie ever.

So sad.

Mmm, Adrien Brody.

Review me if you like the movie, seen it, have never seen it, hate it, have never heard of it, or if you're indifferent.

Oh! And if you like waffles.

Or not.

It's all good.


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